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Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me!

For those of you who don’t know what happened please allow me to recap for you:

Gretchen was a little draggy Sunday morning, August 12, but she decided to come to church anyway.  I headed out early to go to Sunday School and she and Peter followed later.  They seemed to be on time when I left but they arrived moments before Church started.  The hymns were the majestic kind that truly allow her to praise God with her singing and she was in beautiful voice.  I think that the second hymn was “Lift High The Cross” and it was especially wonderful to praise God through signing it.

Shortly after the hymn concluded Gretchen was complaining that it felt like her head would explode.  I asked if she wanted me to take her home and she said she would just go sit in the office until it passed.  Just before the end of the service one of the men in the church came in and told me that she was very sick.  She was throwing up and still complaining about her head.  Since she is known to have migraines I assumed this was related so we got her into the van and headed home.  At some point she passed out but didn’t really look like she passed out (in the rearview mirror) so we continued home.  When we got home it became increasingly clear that we needed to call 911 and get her to the ER.  The First Responders arrived in two minutes, followed by the pros from the Tennessee side a minute or two later.  By the time they were organized and ready the ambulance arrived (3 - 4 minutes later????).

Apparently she stopped breathing in the ambulance and they inserted an airway.  When I finally got to see her it wasn’t good.  A CT scan showed significant blood inside the brain.  When the neurosurgeon arrived he wanted to insert a drain immediately and since the OR wasn’t available he explained it to me, dismissed me, and did it right in her room.  By the time I was allowed back in Peter had arrived so I brought him back with me (good thing he is so tall because children need to be 14 to get in and it is only 2012).  She responded to us with hand squeezes.  Since she was so bad they couldn’t do an angiogram on her so they did a CT with dye and did not find an aneurism.

The night was rough.  They would have let me stay but I knew I needed sleep so I came home and got 2 hours of sleep before I headed back in.  By the time I got there shift change had started so I couldn’t get in to see her but the nurse told me that she seemed to be holding her own.  Because of a weird quirk of timing, Kris (Gretchen’s sister) was able to get in to see her before work and had an encouraging report.  Just before the 10:00 visiting time they called me up to go to radiology and sign papers so they could do an angiogram.  The angiogram also showed no sign of aneurism so we still don’t know what the cause of the “leak” is.  

I got to spend some time with her following the angiogram.  She wasn’t responsive but I am not surprised given the description of what they did.  After my visit with her I came home and sent the following email:

All,

To those of you that have not heard that Gretchen was admitted to neural ICU at Erlanger yesterday, I apologize.  When your wife goes from singing beautifully in church to a violent headache to unconscious in a bit over an hour you tend to forget who you should contact.  I also know that I have probably forgotten people in this list, please feel free to pass on as appropriate.

I thank you for your prayers.  God is truly powerful and sovereign.  The neurosurgeon told me that last night Gretchen was "circling the drain" and now she is stable and responsive (I have not seen it but I trust the nurses).  She is still unconscious and on a respirator but she is stable enough that they are enforcing the ICU visiting hours.

As far as they can tell at this point it was not an aneurism.  Technically, what she had is a stroke...but not what most people think of as a stroke (any interruption of the blood supply within the brain is a stroke).  They don't know what caused the bleeding and it seems to have stopped so we are now in a wait and see mode.

I pressed the doctor and he confirmed that we are not quite at the start of a long road.  Until she regains consciousness they cannot predict anything about the road except that it is long.  To that end, and with Philippians 4:13 propping me up, I am going to attempt to establish a new normal for life.  I do not know how we will do it (Gretchen ran my life for me, ran our home, orchestrated Peter's schooling, and was Peter's chief playmate) but I can "...do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I will try to provide email updates to those who request them.

Finally, I am emailing a broad base of people without hiding who is being included.  If you see that someone has been missed please forward this on to them.

Praising God for His Faithfulness and praying for His Grace,

Brian

August 13, 2012 - 4:00 pm visit

God’s Grace is truly amazing!  In less than 18 hours Gretchen has gone from “circling the drain” (the doctor’s words, not mine - I would have come up with something more distinctive) to discussing music history.  Okay, that’s an exaggeration (more later).  Gretchen is responsive and moving all extremities.  She is trying to get the breathing tube out and she is answering yes/no questions.  The nurse turned some classical music on for her and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik was playing so Peter asked if it was Mozart and she nodded yes (okay, that was an easy one but she’s had a rough couple of days).

We are by no means out of the woods but the progress is incredible.  While we were there Peter was analyzing the respirator trying to figure it out and the nurse obliged.  As she was explaining it to him she noticed (or he pointed out, I was only half listening...until that point) that the respirator was set to 14 breaths per minute and Gretchen was now breathing at 18 breaths per minute.  That is a sign that they might start weaning her off the respirator.  Since she was still fighting to get her hands free to remove the respirator I reminded her that she needs to leave it in for now but if she wants it out she needs to show them that she knows how to breath (so she bumped it up to 19 bpm briefly).

The biggest issue for me right now (other than a lack of sleep) is waiting on what God is revealing (and not reading more into what we see).  This morning the doctor told me this is going to be a long recovery, possibly weeks in ICU and more weeks in a regular room before we even think of rehab.  Now she is acting like she is ready to get back to her life.  This morning I was trying to figure out how I was going to manage my job and everything that she does and now I am wondering if she is going to be mad because I canceled the trip to see my family on the 25th.

One other minor thing that has demonstrated God’s Grace.  We have a lot of plants in pots this year (her hiscuses, some roses, and all my tomatoes and peppers, among other things) and the watering was always something that Gretchen had taken care of.  I don’t mind doing it but I am still trying to work out how to fit everything in.  I knew I wouldn’t have time and rain was not in the forecast so I prayed that it hadn’t been so hot that they couldn’t go two days without water (I haven’t been out much).  Right as we were leaving to head down to see Gretchen it started to rain and we got over an inch in a little over an hour.  God is Merciful!

August 14, 2012 - 12:45 (special entry)

I just got a call from a patient advocate at the hospital asking for some information and in the course of conversation she told me that GRETCHEN IS OFF THE RESPIRATOR!

August 14, 2012 - 4:00 visit

When God starts answering prayer be careful what you pray for!

Wonderful visit (well, except when she threw up all over the place...but even that had a good side)!  Gretchen is indeed off the respirator and breathing on her own.  She was able to converse with us though it was usually just answering questions but she did tell us about itches and ask us for assistance (her hands are restrained so she can’t reach the drain).  Little things like a bit of leftover adhesive are quite annoying to her so that is a good sign.  She isn’t very loud when she speaks but it just means that I have to pay attention so I know when she has something to say.  That’s why she wound up throwing up all over everything, we didn’t hear her (probably a good thing we didn’t put our ears down close...ewwww).

Her blood pressure was high when we were there.  I asked the nurse about it and she wasn’t concerned because when she doesn’t have visitors it drops right down.  The high BP is because she is fighting for consciousness and alertness.  A close family friend (someone very dear to all of us, but especially Gretchen) stopped by and when she greeted Gretchen and touched her hand Gretchen’s BP dropped by 10 points.  

While we were visiting I noticed that the drain didn’t seem to be working.  I pointed it out to the nurse and she said she had noticed it slowing down so maybe it was clotting.  She said she would ask the doctor about it on his rounds.  He called me later and we discussed it.  He said he fiddled with it and it started working again (this thing sounds like my old VW bug) and they were going to monitor it because he didn’t want to have to put a new one in.  He left open the option of removing it if she was doing well but he seems to avoid anything too positive before it happens (at the 10:00 visit they said the respirator might come out as early as tomorrow and then they took it out before 4:00).

Since I am updating this at a late hour I will add that Gretchen’s parents reported that at the 8:30 visit they even had her off the oxygen for a while (the nose thing makes her nose itch).

Gretchen made sure to kiss me when I was ready to leave so I take that as a good thing (but I’m selfish that way).

Yesterday morning, while getting my breakfast, things were pretty bleak.  I didn’t know if Gretchen was going to live and if she did what condition would she be in.  In desperation I cried out (quite literally) to the Lord pleading that she had suffered enough in her life and that I didn’t want to lose her so please give her a speedy recovery but if the option to keep her meant adding to her suffering to please take her quickly.  After meeting with the doctor I began to hunker down and prepare for the long haul, expecting her to be unconscious for a few days at the very least, accepting God’s answer even if I didn’t like it.  Next thing I know recovery is happening so fast that I just get used to one change and a new one is happening.  I don’t know if God was waiting for my unconditional acceptance of his will but I know that my unconditional acceptance has made it so much easier to see His hand, rejoice exceedingly at the improvements, and still be prepared for a plateau or even some backsliding.  I have even begun to joke that may have prayed in haste for a speedy recovery because at the rate she is going she’ll be home before I get the laundry folded!

I guess I should close for the night with thanks that God is good and that Gretchen is (as her uncle Jim used to say) one tough cookie (thanks again to God!).

August 15, 2012 - 8:05 (special entry)

Mornings are rough around the house.  We haven’t really gotten to bed at a good time the last few nights so getting up in time to get things done and make 10:00 visiting is tough.  Gretchen is doing well so it is important that we establish a routine as quickly as possible.  Please continue to pray for Gretchen’s healing but add prayers for help for Peter and me establishing our routine (I am going to stop using the term “new normal” because I know that Gretchen doesn’t like catch phrases like that).

August 15, 2012 - 4:00 visit

The morning visits can verge on depressing, especially if there was a better report from the family for the 8:30 visit.  Of course, when I stop and think about it Gretchen is never really an uplifting spirit in the mornings (mornings aren’t her thing).  It isn’t that she has regressed it’s just that she usually doesn’t respond.

I am battling exhaustion today but I keep reminding myself of Philippians 4:13 (and then I remind myself that we need to go to bed at a decent time as well).  Peter doesn’t admit to the weariness but I think I see signs of it.  We haven’t been getting to bed before 11:00 each night (and Sunday...) so that will help.  It should be better tonight (and to be honest, Peter was ready for bed in record time following Scouts but there were other things to deal with).

Overnight the nurse brushed and braided Gretchen’s hair (I think she may have even cleaned it with the waterless shampoo).  Thank you A.P.!  I teased Gretchen about looking like a proper German girl now.

Gretchen was doing better at the 4:00 visit.  I don’t know that she was conscious as much as she was yesterday but when she was she was more conversational.  Her blood pressure was up over the last 24 hours so they have been medicating her for that and giving her morphine for pain/discomfort (I know she likes that morphine from prior hospitalizations).  

They took out the A-line today (an A-line is an IV that is inserted into the artery in the wrist.  It allows real-time blood pressure monitoring.  They decided that she was responsive enough that they could go back to the cuff that checks every few minutes.  That was a relief, one less potential source of infection.

Gretchen’s head is itchy, possibly where blood ran when they were inserting the drain.  She doesn’t remember that she has a drain up there so they have to keep her hands restrained so she doesn’t tear at it when she is trying to scratch.  She is vaguely remembering things from day to day but there is still confusion.  I am sure part of that is the morphine (I’ve seen her under morphine before and she was easily confused).

God is truly gracious and I want to sing his praises.  The spirit is not only willing but eager, unfortunately the flesh is weak tonight.  I trust the rocks and stones are singing his praises in my stead.

If I awaken early enough to call before shift change I will try to get an overnight update and maybe add something before we leave for the 10:00 visit tomorrow (I am realizing how hard it is to update after the 4:00 visit).

Pray for my strength and for Gretchen’s.  Pray that the drain will continue to drain and that it will work quickly and that Gretchen’s confusion will begin to lift.  Peter is the strongest of us all but that is no surprise given how Gretchen has prayed over him (that Gretchen and I have been able to raise a child like Peter is a testament to God’s grace!).  But do pray that he will continue in that strength and in patience (his outdoor play time has been sorely restricted given that his chief playmate is in the hospital).

Goodnight everyone, and thank you.

August 1, 2012 - 8:45 (special entry)

I did not get up in time to get a report from the night nurse (but I did get a much better rest than I have had in over a week).  Gretchen’s sister Kris sent me a report on her visit last night:

Had a nice visit with Gretchen this evening.  She faded in and out, but in some moments she was very alert.  She is worried the ventilator damaged her vocal chords.  Dad tried to assure her that her voice will come back given time.  Actually, I asked my dad if she should even be trying to talk, and he said not very much, so maybe we shouldn't be encouraging her to talk.

I agree with Kris about minimizing how much we encourage Gretchen to talk and am going to try to have visitors limit their questions to yes or no answers so that Gretchen can reserve her voice for when it is necessary (like “I have an itch”).

I have heard from several people now that they can’t access GoogleDocs without an account.  I chose GoogleDocs because it was easy for me and (it used to be) anyone with a link could access it.  I tested it this morning (the one benefit to multiple computers and multiple email addresses) and found that it is the case.  We have to go shopping on the way back from the 10:00 visit so I am hoping that Peter can go to his grandparents for lunch and the afternoon so that I can check out my options (probably either set up a blog or create my own website - neither option is appealing but I doubt that Google+ will allow just anyone to access what I post without creating an account...).

That’s all for now.